I have two dogs, and I was buying a large bag of Kibble at Wally World and standing in line at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting "The Doggy Diet" again. Although, I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with dog food bits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that since the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no. It was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
My Famous Craigslist Post
**Unaltered from my original CL post on March 21**
To My Bleeding Roomate:
Over all you are a bad roommate. You use things that are not yours and eat my food. You never clean up after yourself and you don't have a job. If you father didn't pay for you to live in my home saving me almost $400/month I would kick you out.
But he pays for you on time every month, and I work so often that it hardly matters that you are a self-centered slob. I do not see you much, and when I do have to endure your incessant whining about how horrible your trust fund life is, I can tune it out fairly well. I have come to accept that when I want to have a glass of milk, there will be none left. When I wish to make food for myself all of the dishes, pans, forks, knives, spoons and all other accoutrement's I need to complete the cooking task at hand will have to be washed before I use them due to your filth. After I am done cooking it is inevitable that whatever left overs there are will be gobbled up by you. I however can live with all of this. Honestly, I have been living with you for months now and all of this - thou horribly rude - has yet to affect my day to day life.
Yesterday, you crossed the line. We are both female and once a month are in need of things to stop our monthly bleeding. You bleed the week before I do. As a responsible female that has been dealing with her period for over 10 years, I went to the store at the beginning of last week and picked up a box of tampons. I knew that eventually I was going to need them and I should have some on hand. I put my fresh unopened box of tampons under the sink in the bathroom.
A week passes.
I start to feel as tho I will be dealing with my womanly curse sometime soon. I go to the bathroom to make sure I am prepared. I sit. It's here. no denying that fact. I think to myself "Good thing you got those tampons last week because you are slightly early. If you had waited, you would be screwed now." I reach for the box.
EMPTY.
Let me say this again.
EMPTY.
You took my tampons and managed to use a whole fucking box in one week and left me stranded on the toilet with my pants around my ankles bleeding from my crotch.
I resolve then that this is the last straw and form now on I will be keeping everything I purchase in my locked bedroom, including food. Have fun starving! Before I bring my mini fridge out of storage from my college days I feel like I should tell you why exactly I am doing so. I sit you down in out living room. Tell you there is something I need to talk to you about and it is very important.
Your response:
"Yeah, I know we are out of tampons, next time you are at the store you need to buy more."
CUNT.
To My Bleeding Roomate:
Over all you are a bad roommate. You use things that are not yours and eat my food. You never clean up after yourself and you don't have a job. If you father didn't pay for you to live in my home saving me almost $400/month I would kick you out.
But he pays for you on time every month, and I work so often that it hardly matters that you are a self-centered slob. I do not see you much, and when I do have to endure your incessant whining about how horrible your trust fund life is, I can tune it out fairly well. I have come to accept that when I want to have a glass of milk, there will be none left. When I wish to make food for myself all of the dishes, pans, forks, knives, spoons and all other accoutrement's I need to complete the cooking task at hand will have to be washed before I use them due to your filth. After I am done cooking it is inevitable that whatever left overs there are will be gobbled up by you. I however can live with all of this. Honestly, I have been living with you for months now and all of this - thou horribly rude - has yet to affect my day to day life.
Yesterday, you crossed the line. We are both female and once a month are in need of things to stop our monthly bleeding. You bleed the week before I do. As a responsible female that has been dealing with her period for over 10 years, I went to the store at the beginning of last week and picked up a box of tampons. I knew that eventually I was going to need them and I should have some on hand. I put my fresh unopened box of tampons under the sink in the bathroom.
A week passes.
I start to feel as tho I will be dealing with my womanly curse sometime soon. I go to the bathroom to make sure I am prepared. I sit. It's here. no denying that fact. I think to myself "Good thing you got those tampons last week because you are slightly early. If you had waited, you would be screwed now." I reach for the box.
EMPTY.
Let me say this again.
EMPTY.
You took my tampons and managed to use a whole fucking box in one week and left me stranded on the toilet with my pants around my ankles bleeding from my crotch.
I resolve then that this is the last straw and form now on I will be keeping everything I purchase in my locked bedroom, including food. Have fun starving! Before I bring my mini fridge out of storage from my college days I feel like I should tell you why exactly I am doing so. I sit you down in out living room. Tell you there is something I need to talk to you about and it is very important.
Your response:
"Yeah, I know we are out of tampons, next time you are at the store you need to buy more."
CUNT.
It's Been Too Long...
Holy shit! I cannot believe that it has been this long in between my posting. So much has happened to me since my last post!
I almost died in a plane crash, I have been to SC for a weekend away, I almost got stabbed by a drug dealer, I met some wonderful bitches at a bar and we are starting a band, and a shit ton of other things. One of the best/worst nights of my more recent life was April 19th which also happened to be my birthday party.
I've been planning random birthday parties for the last month or so but due to one thing or another they have all been canceled. Finally, I committed to having my birthday party at 4Play in Cleveland. They gave me an offer that a drunk like me could not refuse: FREE drinks all night, because it was my birthday. Before I got to the bar, I already knew it was going to be a good night.
I walked in and after all the shameless self-promotion I did, the bar was packed. I stopped at the bar and picked up my present, free drink slips for my friends, and also got two bombs and a straight shot of Yeager. Then, I drank a shot or two with my friend Ben, who is a story all on his own. Then I picked up a mixed drink and proceeded to pimp out my friend Az. Az is this hot chick whom I have known from middle school, we have gone back and forth in hating each other for a good 15 years. Her mother hates me, and she says I am a bad influence. Mrs. Z, if your reading this here is your proof.
Az is hot, she is personable, she is outgoing, and she has NO game. Honestly, she couldn't actually pick up a man if her life depended on it, but since she is hot she has never really had to try. The losers of life have come to her and, because she has no game herself, falls for the ploys these assholes toss at her. So, after I drink a small amount to start the night off I look at this mildly attractive guy at the end of the bar. He is sitting alone so I get his attention and say basically "My friend Az needs to have a good time tonight. I will be drunk, she is yours to take care of. Don't fuck it up." the rest of the night Az is shaking her ass for him and sucking his face off in the back corner of the bar. Eventually, she will have game. Until then, I will wear my fuzzy hat and bring my ho-hitting cane when we go out.
Having just unloaded Az onto another guy at the bar, I turn to see a few more of my friends come in. We do a round of shots and then head for the pool table. The fat ass and her friend are in my way.
"Hey fat ass, get out of my way."
"Cunt!"
"At least cunts get fucked. Move you lard bitch. "
I am a bad person.
Fatty moves and we start playing pool. I keep running over to the bar to get some sucker to buy me drinks for my birthday. By this time, I am wasted. I've made it to the "stupid but standing phase" of drunkenness. That time we start taking pictures. Pictures will be up later as soon as Gay Best Friend (Ben) e-mails them to me. And he is taking his sweet fucking time.
After pictures, I stumble into the bathroom and puke. Then I got shot for shot with two of my friends. This lasts about and hour, and I hit the bathroom and puke again. I grab my ride and we head out the door without saying goodbye to anyone. I pass out in his front seat snoring the entire way home.
We get home, and I fall onto the concrete and puke all over my neighbors bushes. Luckily, it was raining. They will never know. As I was being carried into the house The Mex gets a call. He has the keys to Az's car. He leaves me on my own driveway and heads back to the bar. I sit on the driveway. In the rain. For forty-five minutes. It took me that long to remember that The Mex unlocked the door for me before he left so I could get inside.
I went inside and promptly passed out.
All in all, a good night.
I almost died in a plane crash, I have been to SC for a weekend away, I almost got stabbed by a drug dealer, I met some wonderful bitches at a bar and we are starting a band, and a shit ton of other things. One of the best/worst nights of my more recent life was April 19th which also happened to be my birthday party.
I've been planning random birthday parties for the last month or so but due to one thing or another they have all been canceled. Finally, I committed to having my birthday party at 4Play in Cleveland. They gave me an offer that a drunk like me could not refuse: FREE drinks all night, because it was my birthday. Before I got to the bar, I already knew it was going to be a good night.
I walked in and after all the shameless self-promotion I did, the bar was packed. I stopped at the bar and picked up my present, free drink slips for my friends, and also got two bombs and a straight shot of Yeager. Then, I drank a shot or two with my friend Ben, who is a story all on his own. Then I picked up a mixed drink and proceeded to pimp out my friend Az. Az is this hot chick whom I have known from middle school, we have gone back and forth in hating each other for a good 15 years. Her mother hates me, and she says I am a bad influence. Mrs. Z, if your reading this here is your proof.
Az is hot, she is personable, she is outgoing, and she has NO game. Honestly, she couldn't actually pick up a man if her life depended on it, but since she is hot she has never really had to try. The losers of life have come to her and, because she has no game herself, falls for the ploys these assholes toss at her. So, after I drink a small amount to start the night off I look at this mildly attractive guy at the end of the bar. He is sitting alone so I get his attention and say basically "My friend Az needs to have a good time tonight. I will be drunk, she is yours to take care of. Don't fuck it up." the rest of the night Az is shaking her ass for him and sucking his face off in the back corner of the bar. Eventually, she will have game. Until then, I will wear my fuzzy hat and bring my ho-hitting cane when we go out.
Having just unloaded Az onto another guy at the bar, I turn to see a few more of my friends come in. We do a round of shots and then head for the pool table. The fat ass and her friend are in my way.
"Hey fat ass, get out of my way."
"Cunt!"
"At least cunts get fucked. Move you lard bitch. "
I am a bad person.
Fatty moves and we start playing pool. I keep running over to the bar to get some sucker to buy me drinks for my birthday. By this time, I am wasted. I've made it to the "stupid but standing phase" of drunkenness. That time we start taking pictures. Pictures will be up later as soon as Gay Best Friend (Ben) e-mails them to me. And he is taking his sweet fucking time.
After pictures, I stumble into the bathroom and puke. Then I got shot for shot with two of my friends. This lasts about and hour, and I hit the bathroom and puke again. I grab my ride and we head out the door without saying goodbye to anyone. I pass out in his front seat snoring the entire way home.
We get home, and I fall onto the concrete and puke all over my neighbors bushes. Luckily, it was raining. They will never know. As I was being carried into the house The Mex gets a call. He has the keys to Az's car. He leaves me on my own driveway and heads back to the bar. I sit on the driveway. In the rain. For forty-five minutes. It took me that long to remember that The Mex unlocked the door for me before he left so I could get inside.
I went inside and promptly passed out.
All in all, a good night.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Snow Plow Follies
So, in case any one reading this is brain dead, it snows in Ohio. Sometimes, it even snows a lot. After I got home one night, I went right to bed because I had to work early the next morning. When I awoke to go to work, there was Ohio at its best. In the few short hours I was sleeping, the sky got snow diarrhea and decided that my driveway looked like a good place to let it all go. There was snow up to my fucking knees. The bumper on my Caliber was covered in snow, and I had ten minutes to get to work. Fuck! I grabbed my phone, called my work, and let them know I was going to be late. Then I grabbed a shovel.
I started to dig my car out of the accumulation of the sky's gastric disaster when a snow plow comes down my street. I tossed the shovel aside and put on my biggest helpless girl face and just look out into the street. Not directly at the plow truck, just looking off into nothingness as I forced myself to cry out big Kirstie Allie sized tears. As expected, the plow driver stops.
Driver: You stuck, Cutie?
Me: Yeah, and I have to be at work soon. My boss is going to kill me if I don't get there on time. *Superfluous hair toss and batting of eyes inserted here*
Driver: Well, I wouldn't want someone as pretty as you getting all cold. Why don't you let me plow you driveway for you? I will only charge you twenty dollars.
Now, in my mind, I am saying a big fat "Fuck That!" No way in Hell was I going to pay this guy. I had to work a little harder to get him to do it for free. And I had to work fast. I really did need to get to work.
Me: How about instead of the twenty, you plow the driveway and I'll let you take me out on a date?
Driver: You got a deal, hot stuff! Move out the way so I can clear out the snow for you.
I pick up the shovel and move out of the driveway. He gets all the snow out of my driveway faster than I have ever seen a plow truck go. Maybe he thought that I found it sexy...I didn't. A plow tuck says "I am poor and I need seasonal work just to get by" NOT "I have a big dick and enough cash to take you anywhere you want to go." Sorry to all the plow truck drivers out there but I only date men that can support my tastes. On the average, you are not them.
After he is done with my driveway, I jump into my car without talking to him and drive off. As I am passing his truck he give me this "What the Fuck?" look. I then drive off, middle finger in the air.
Sometimes, the bitch in me exceeds even my standards. Oh well, it got me to work on time.
I started to dig my car out of the accumulation of the sky's gastric disaster when a snow plow comes down my street. I tossed the shovel aside and put on my biggest helpless girl face and just look out into the street. Not directly at the plow truck, just looking off into nothingness as I forced myself to cry out big Kirstie Allie sized tears. As expected, the plow driver stops.
Driver: You stuck, Cutie?
Me: Yeah, and I have to be at work soon. My boss is going to kill me if I don't get there on time. *Superfluous hair toss and batting of eyes inserted here*
Driver: Well, I wouldn't want someone as pretty as you getting all cold. Why don't you let me plow you driveway for you? I will only charge you twenty dollars.
Now, in my mind, I am saying a big fat "Fuck That!" No way in Hell was I going to pay this guy. I had to work a little harder to get him to do it for free. And I had to work fast. I really did need to get to work.
Me: How about instead of the twenty, you plow the driveway and I'll let you take me out on a date?
Driver: You got a deal, hot stuff! Move out the way so I can clear out the snow for you.
I pick up the shovel and move out of the driveway. He gets all the snow out of my driveway faster than I have ever seen a plow truck go. Maybe he thought that I found it sexy...I didn't. A plow tuck says "I am poor and I need seasonal work just to get by" NOT "I have a big dick and enough cash to take you anywhere you want to go." Sorry to all the plow truck drivers out there but I only date men that can support my tastes. On the average, you are not them.
After he is done with my driveway, I jump into my car without talking to him and drive off. As I am passing his truck he give me this "What the Fuck?" look. I then drive off, middle finger in the air.
Sometimes, the bitch in me exceeds even my standards. Oh well, it got me to work on time.
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