Old Story I Felt I Had to Share

Sometime in '04 – Good times + Good friends = A lot of Shampoo.

I want to start this one off with a disclaimer: I do not approve of drinking underage. I have, however, drunk my share of bottles when I was underage. This happens to be one of those stories. I DO NOT recommended that anyone drinks underage. It is against the law.

Now that the legal bullshit is out of the way:

I was sitting in the basement of my parents' house with a group of friends one night, for a friend's birthday party. There were about ten of us there and, in the hick town that I grew up in, everything closed at about 8pm. The logical choice for ten teens on a random Saturday night was to break into the home owner's liquor cabinet and see what you could swipe and consume without getting caught.

EC, Jem, and I started plotting how to get booze for the others in the basement. There was not mission impossible music playing, but there should have been. We slinked up the stairs and into the kitchen. I slyly ran into the top step and tripped over myself, causing Jem to run into me, and EC to run into him. I fell into the kitchen, which put me exactly where I wanted to be: on the floor, next to the liquor. I reached up and opened the cabinet and with the grace of an angry panda on ice skates I went digging. I whipped out every bottle I could and, one by one, EC and Jem took them downstairs.

Did I mention we did this all silently through hand motions that made the three of us look like special umpires? And not that "Wow! This is unusual" type of special but the "My favorite color's clear and I like to lick GLAAAAASSSS" kind.

After taking what seemed like a good amount for the ten of us, I stood up and started to walk down stairs. But something caught my eye. There was vodka in the back that I hadn't seen in my digging: Citron Absolut. What can I say? My parents aren't drinkers. That was just their 'For Company' bottle. I figured that I had company, so why not drink it? I picked it up and tossed it under my arm and headed back downstairs.

The ten of us started to play every drinking game under the sun and most of us were wasted within about twenty minuets of picking up our first glass. I, however, felt that I needed to go for broke. I downed the Citron Absolut that earlier was deemed as "tasting funny." I drank the entire bottle...the entire fucking bottle. At this point in time, I was a very inexperienced drinker. That act alone should have had me on the floor, but did I fall? Did I falter? FUCK NO. I picked up another bottle, rum this time, and horded the last of it for myself.

About three bottles later, I was passing in and out of various states of intoxication. Like frat boys in the Fifties, everyone jumped in the bathtub trying to fit as much as we could in there. Our last count was all of ten us, a stuffed animal, three bottles of random alcohol, and both of Apple's tits. I add in that last bit because Apple's rack could encompass the world if it really tried. I honestly think we could have fit three more people in the tub if she could have taken off her tits.

My next solid memory after tits in a tub was being in my bedroom with Kita. Kita was a Russian guy who I knew through friends of friends of friends. Why he was at my house? I still don't know, but there I was topless in my bed with him kissing my stomach. Normally, I would have been like "Fuck yes! I am incoherently drunk and I am still getting some ass!" On this particular day, however, not so much. The barely there pressure of his kisses were enough to take me out of the state that I was in and into an immediate panic. I needed to find a place to puke and I needed to find one - NOW.

I tried to lift my upper body and get Kita to stop, but gravity proved too much for me. Using all of my force, I got to about a crunch position when the floodgates opened and all hell broke loose. I puked more that night then I had collectively for the entire year before that. It was everywhere, but most illustriously it went directly onto Kita's head. With unceasing fury, Kita ran upstairs and into the bathroom to shower. He barely took time to take his clothes off before he jumped in. I heard the next day that he himself puked on the way to the bathroom. Sympathy pukers, I will never understand them.

I was covered in vomit, my legs were as useless as Christopher Reeves', and I had no shirt on. Having come to the realization that I just spilled the entirety of my stomach onto someone's head, I did the only useful thing I could: I called my friend Apple for help. I woke the next day in the bathtub with my pants soaked, thinking I had pissed myself. I was still shirtless. Turns out, Apple chucked me in the bathtub and started the water running for about 20 mins in efforts to wake me up after I passed out on her three times and tried to make out with her more than she could count. Like everyone else in the world, I am a horny drunk.

All in all, the night was fun. I would however like to find Kita again. I haven't spoken with him since. That bastard owes me ten bucks...he used all of my shampoo.