It's Been Too Long...

Holy shit! I cannot believe that it has been this long in between my posting. So much has happened to me since my last post!

I almost died in a plane crash, I have been to SC for a weekend away, I almost got stabbed by a drug dealer, I met some wonderful bitches at a bar and we are starting a band, and a shit ton of other things. One of the best/worst nights of my more recent life was April 19th which also happened to be my birthday party.

I've been planning random birthday parties for the last month or so but due to one thing or another they have all been canceled. Finally, I committed to having my birthday party at 4Play in Cleveland. They gave me an offer that a drunk like me could not refuse: FREE drinks all night, because it was my birthday. Before I got to the bar, I already knew it was going to be a good night.

I walked in and after all the shameless self-promotion I did, the bar was packed. I stopped at the bar and picked up my present, free drink slips for my friends, and also got two bombs and a straight shot of Yeager. Then, I drank a shot or two with my friend Ben, who is a story all on his own. Then I picked up a mixed drink and proceeded to pimp out my friend Az. Az is this hot chick whom I have known from middle school, we have gone back and forth in hating each other for a good 15 years. Her mother hates me, and she says I am a bad influence. Mrs. Z, if your reading this here is your proof.

Az is hot, she is personable, she is outgoing, and she has NO game. Honestly, she couldn't actually pick up a man if her life depended on it, but since she is hot she has never really had to try. The losers of life have come to her and, because she has no game herself, falls for the ploys these assholes toss at her. So, after I drink a small amount to start the night off I look at this mildly attractive guy at the end of the bar. He is sitting alone so I get his attention and say basically "My friend Az needs to have a good time tonight. I will be drunk, she is yours to take care of. Don't fuck it up." the rest of the night Az is shaking her ass for him and sucking his face off in the back corner of the bar. Eventually, she will have game. Until then, I will wear my fuzzy hat and bring my ho-hitting cane when we go out.

Having just unloaded Az onto another guy at the bar, I turn to see a few more of my friends come in. We do a round of shots and then head for the pool table. The fat ass and her friend are in my way.

"Hey fat ass, get out of my way."
"Cunt!"
"At least cunts get fucked. Move you lard bitch. "

I am a bad person.

Fatty moves and we start playing pool. I keep running over to the bar to get some sucker to buy me drinks for my birthday. By this time, I am wasted. I've made it to the "stupid but standing phase" of drunkenness. That time we start taking pictures. Pictures will be up later as soon as Gay Best Friend (Ben) e-mails them to me. And he is taking his sweet fucking time.

After pictures, I stumble into the bathroom and puke. Then I got shot for shot with two of my friends. This lasts about and hour, and I hit the bathroom and puke again. I grab my ride and we head out the door without saying goodbye to anyone. I pass out in his front seat snoring the entire way home.

We get home, and I fall onto the concrete and puke all over my neighbors bushes. Luckily, it was raining. They will never know. As I was being carried into the house The Mex gets a call. He has the keys to Az's car. He leaves me on my own driveway and heads back to the bar. I sit on the driveway. In the rain. For forty-five minutes. It took me that long to remember that The Mex unlocked the door for me before he left so I could get inside.

I went inside and promptly passed out.

All in all, a good night.